Just like the man I promised I’d be, I still watch over and try to protect you. I feel your pain. I know what these things mean/meant to you. I’ll never forget, even though I may turn my face the other way when I see you. All I can think is one word, “Fuck”. It’s one of those things where my morals are controlling me when I’d rather my brain and logic did. Sometimes I wish I could turn off my “I care” switch because there are a good amount of people in and out of my life that I care about when I shouldn’t at all. People that don’t deserve the kind of kindness and protection I would be willing to offer.
Sometimes it’s like my soul gets out of my body while I’m sitting on the floor, looks at me while standing over me, tries to slap my head and yell at me, but my physical being can’t hear or feel it. I don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to be that person who’s willing to give his life for everyone because he wants his own to be worth something to someone else. I’ve made myself so happy, but there’s something missing. I want to make others happy, help others, let others know that they can find a safety in me that most people can’t offer. It’s my one weakness: I’m too kind.
Anyway, back to you. You’re hurting, the way I have. I know exactly the feeling that’s pouring through you. The anger, sadness, inability to trust that makes you unapproachable and defensive right now. That desire for justice, yet knowing that if you get justice it’s not going to take your pain away, and then realize you’d never wish this feeling on someone. While I know exactly what you feel, you won’t listen to me. You won’t hear me, and you won’t open yourself to me. Everytime I’ve tried to get to you lately, you just close me out. And it pains me, but I can’t help you if you won’t let me. I can’t be there for someone who’s planning their own downfall. At this point, you’ve become you’re own worst enemy. I’ll always be here should you ever need me. And I’ll always keep an eye on you, just make sure you’re doing okay. You probably won’t ever know, but I’m okay with that.