I’ve been in another state for the past 3 weeks doing training for a new job. I have a career, have a happy home life, have great friends, have a lot of luck on my side, but I’m restless. I’ve been feeling like I’m completely different and that I used to be so much simpler. I used to not want anything because I was happy with everything I have, and two days ago I went and got an approval on a $60,000 loan for a brand new corvette. I’m happy that I was able to do it, but it really made me think about what the hell I’m doing. I’ve become so ingrained into making money and getting a new place, new car, new life that I’ve lost myself to the corporate world and lost myself to the American “Dream”. I’m an IT consultant now. I want to be a policeman, a guitarist, a zookeeper, a chef, or an artist, and I decided to become an IT consultant because it’s what I got my degree in. I’m still working on the police part and taking police tests whenever there is one that I’m eligible, but I started making my focus “making money” rather than “making myself happy”, and I need to backtrack a couple steps and figure this out. I won’t say that being an IT consultant is bad in any way, because I actually really like the job — meeting really friendly people that are my age and accomplished, travelling for free to places like California and Japan as soon as I get the opportunity, and working with a different team every couple months. I’m a social person, so this job fits me to a T, but I still feel like I’m missing something, and I’ve been doing soul searching to figure it out. I’m keeping a positive attitude and continuing to step forward, but I’ve been letting myself think about my past, and maybe that’s why I feel the way I do. I want to ask people from my past how they are, I want to rekindle connections that I had with old friends from high school, and I’m realizing that I can do it but it will require a lot of effort. I think the reality that I’m not a kid anymore is setting in, and it’s making me want to jump back. I just finished texting my cousin because she’s having trouble with her college work and she tells me that “Your an amazing cousin, you know that?” just because I listened and wanted to make her feel better. I have such an easy time figuring things out for others. Now I’m buckling down and focusing on myself. I want to go back to being simple, and I want to go back to being happy with what I want. I will have goals and keep my drive, but I won’t let myself become so consumed by them that I lose my connection with family and friends the way I did. It’s okay to work, but not to let work become your life.
Ya know, my mom used to write me a letter every year saying the changes shes seen in me at that age. I tried keeping up with it after she passed away and making a list of strengths and weaknesses, but she was unbiased, or as unbiased as a mother can be lol I’d honestly love to see what she’d write about the changes she’s seen in me in the past few years because I’m a completely different person. She’s become my motivation, and I’d love to just be able to talk to her just to see what she’d have to say.