I’ve been in another state for the past 3 weeks doing training for a new job. I have a career, have a happy home life, have great friends, have a lot of luck on my side, but I’m restless. I’ve been feeling like I’m completely different and that I used to be so much simpler. I used to not want anything because I was happy with everything I have, and two days ago I went and got an approval on a $60,000 loan for a brand new corvette. I’m happy that I was able to do it, but it really made me think about what the hell I’m doing. I’ve become so ingrained into making money and getting a new place, new car, new life that I’ve lost myself to the corporate world and lost myself to the American “Dream”. I’m an IT consultant now. I want to be a policeman, a guitarist, a zookeeper, a chef, or an artist, and I decided to become an IT consultant because it’s what I got my degree in. I’m still working on the police part and taking police tests whenever there is one that I’m eligible, but I started making my focus “making money” rather than “making myself happy”, and I need to backtrack a couple steps and figure this out. I won’t say that being an IT consultant is bad in any way, because I actually really like the job — meeting really friendly people that are my age and accomplished, travelling for free to places like California and Japan as soon as I get the opportunity, and working with a different team every couple months. I’m a social person, so this job fits me to a T, but I still feel like I’m missing something, and I’ve been doing soul searching to figure it out. I’m keeping a positive attitude and continuing to step forward, but I’ve been letting myself think about my past, and maybe that’s why I feel the way I do. I want to ask people from my past how they are, I want to rekindle connections that I had with old friends from high school, and I’m realizing that I can do it but it will require a lot of effort. I think the reality that I’m not a kid anymore is setting in, and it’s making me want to jump back. I just finished texting my cousin because she’s having trouble with her college work and she tells me that “Your an amazing cousin, you know that?” just because I listened and wanted to make her feel better. I have such an easy time figuring things out for others. Now I’m buckling down and focusing on myself. I want to go back to being simple, and I want to go back to being happy with what I want. I will have goals and keep my drive, but I won’t let myself become so consumed by them that I lose my connection with family and friends the way I did. It’s okay to work, but not to let work become your life.
Ya know, my mom used to write me a letter every year saying the changes shes seen in me at that age. I tried keeping up with it after she passed away and making a list of strengths and weaknesses, but she was unbiased, or as unbiased as a mother can be lol I’d honestly love to see what she’d write about the changes she’s seen in me in the past few years because I’m a completely different person. She’s become my motivation, and I’d love to just be able to talk to her just to see what she’d have to say.
So I decided to take my girlfriend to Myrtle Beach in SC for a week as her birthday present, because I’m badass like that, and had one of the best weeks of my life. The manager liked us and gave us an upgrade to a 3 bedroom condo for free, instead of -20 degrees, it was 70 degrees, and I got to spend a week with a girl that still manages to surprise me and make me feel like I’m falling in love with her every time I’m with her.
We had our first problem since we started dating, and honestly I thought it wasn’t going to end well, but she surprised me and we talked it out in about 15-20 minutes lol I love that about her. I can talk to her and not have to worry about picking the right exact words and watching what I’m saying. I can tell her how I feel about something, and It’s not immediately wrong. When I talked to her about what was bothering, she looked me in the eye and asked me what she could do to make things better because she doesn’t want anything to come between us. Rather than tell me I’m an asshole or its my fault, she asked me what made me feel that way and why, so she could avoid doing those things. For the first time, I feel like im in a real relationship, where we’re a team that respects each others feelings and try to work together to make it work. There’s nothing better than that.
I lost my ability to trust and I hate the feeling it causes.
"We can get naked but I’ll never let you undress my heart" -Halestorm
There are times in our lives where we can see the other sets of footprints that are next to us. We can see the ones behind us and in front of us. And we can see the sets of foot prints that might be a couple feet away from ours, reminding us that someone else is walking the path we’re walking and going through the same thing. This is one of those times that I don’t want to see any foot prints but my own. This will only last a couple days, maybe a week, but I’m at a point where I have no idea what to do or think and so I need to find my own path on my own. I need to take the first steps by myself, even if that means going in a different direction. It’s my set of foot steps, and so I should get to decide the mark they leave.